The last day of 2023…

This year has been an interesting year. I lost my father at the end of August. Losing a parent is an intellectual exercise until it isn’t. For some, the loss is expected. For me, I wasn’t prepared. It was an unexpected loss. The most difficult part about the loss wasn’t going through the grief and mourning. It was finding an answer to the question, “How are you?”

How do you explain that feeling of profound loss? How do I explain the loss of my origin? The only explanation I could give was, my origin, where I came from, was gone. I felt rudderless. I felt lost in the ether. Untethered. My parents gave me a sense of origin. I could look at them then myself and say, “That’s where I come from. That’s my nose, my eyes, my smile.” I could see the features of my face in my father. That’s where I came from. I’ve been told countless times how I look like my father. Now he’s gone. What does that mean to me? I am still figuring that out.

This year was also the year I came home to Colorado. I cannot express in words my love for Colorado. This is it, this is home. I’ve searched for a long time to find the place where I felt like I never want to leave. I used to be jealous of those who knew where their home was. I searched far and for so long. I grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. That’s the home of my childhood. But my home. The home of my life, and the days to come. That was an unknown for so long. I used to hate Denver, Colorado. It reminded me of my uncle who passed 20 years ago. Now, those memories no longer hurt. Perspective gained through life experience and time helped me to see past the hurt of the loss of my uncle to what I love about Colorado.

There’s a song, “Coming Home (Oregon)” by Mat Kearney that expresses how I feel about coming home to Colorado. Especially the lyric, “I’m coming home to the place that I remember, back to the land of my first love…” That’s my theme for home. It’s all about love. It’s but one of a few songs expressing how I feel about Colorado. I love Colorado. This is home. I will leave it, periodically, but I will always come home. During my homecoming, I will listen to my playlist about Colorado and be thankful that I am finally home.

In these last few hours remaining of 2023, I am reminded of so many wonderful experiences this year encompasses. Far too many to write out but I can say this, I never expected to grow old. The gift of trauma, you see. A sense of foreshortened future, that’s what it’s called. But I’ve lived far longer than I expected. Maybe I make it to my 50’s, even 60’s. Heck, maybe even 70’s. That’ll be something. For right now, I am happy to be where I am. I am home. I still don’t have things figured out but who does?

Happy New Year! See you in 2024.