The last day of 2023…

By
December 31, 2023
Musing

This year has been an interesting year. I lost my father at the end of August. Losing a parent is an intellectual exercise until it isn’t. For some, the loss is expected. For me, I wasn’t prepared. It was an unexpected loss. The most difficult part about the loss wasn’t going through the grief and mourning. It was finding an answer to the question, “How are you?”

How do you explain that feeling of profound loss? How do I explain the loss of my origin? The only explanation I could give was, my origin, where I came from, was gone. I felt rudderless. I felt lost in the ether. Untethered. My parents gave me a sense of origin. I could look at them then myself and say, “That’s where I come from. That’s my nose, my eyes, my smile.” I could see the features of my face in my father. That’s where I came from. I’ve been told countless times how I look like my father. Now he’s gone. What does that mean to me? I am still figuring that out.

This year was also the year I came home to Colorado. I cannot express in words my love for Colorado. This is it, this is home. I’ve searched for a long time to find the place where I felt like I never want to leave. I used to be jealous of those who knew where their home was. I searched far and for so long. I grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. That’s the home of my childhood. But my home. The home of my life, and the days to come. That was an unknown for so long. I used to hate Denver, Colorado. It reminded me of my uncle who passed 20 years ago. Now, those memories no longer hurt. Perspective gained through life experience and time helped me to see past the hurt of the loss of my uncle to what I love about Colorado.

There’s a song, “Coming Home (Oregon)” by Mat Kearney that expresses how I feel about coming home to Colorado. Especially the lyric, “I’m coming home to the place that I remember, back to the land of my first love…” That’s my theme for home. It’s all about love. It’s but one of a few songs expressing how I feel about Colorado. I love Colorado. This is home. I will leave it, periodically, but I will always come home. During my homecoming, I will listen to my playlist about Colorado and be thankful that I am finally home.

In these last few hours remaining of 2023, I am reminded of so many wonderful experiences this year encompasses. Far too many to write out but I can say this, I never expected to grow old. The gift of trauma, you see. A sense of foreshortened future, that’s what it’s called. But I’ve lived far longer than I expected. Maybe I make it to my 50’s, even 60’s. Heck, maybe even 70’s. That’ll be something. For right now, I am happy to be where I am. I am home. I still don’t have things figured out but who does?

Happy New Year! See you in 2024.

Hozier… Where have I been?

By
November 19, 2023
Stories

His lyrics reverberate, they’re visceral and raw. They bring the past back to life in a way I never expected. How does he do that? I have Francesca, All things End, and Unknown/Nth from Unreal Unearth in 2023 on repeat. The song “Francesca” is reflecting 2010. It’s the echoes of a story long past from another’s life that is somehow distilled into this song. I am left reeling. Do you remember…? All too well.

“Darling, I would go through it again.”

That lyric alone moves me from indifference to another time, another place. I remember feelings long past. What is this? It’s beautiful. It’s marvelous. It’s tragic.

“And all things end…”

The amazing part of music is how it transports me back. Has it been 14 years since 2009? Soon 15 years will have passed. The year 2009 was an important year. The impact of the events of that year would impact the next 5 years to 2014. And let me tell you 2014. That year… Loss, hurt, pain and yet I look back with feelings of nostalgia, happiness and yearning.

“Do you know I could break beneath the weight of the goodness, love, I still carry for you?”

It’s going to be 10 years since 2014. So much has happened. I miss the woman that I was. She was so bold, daring, and fearless. I see the traces of her in me today. She changed. She learned. She would still do everything single thing she did from 2009 to 2014. No regrets. Time has eased the pain of the scars I bear today. I appreciate her. I miss her. So hopeful and a little naive.

Let’s talk about Baldur’s Gate 3

By
October 28, 2023
Musing

On August 8, 2023, I began playing Baldur’s Gate 3. Now, I’ve never played Baldur’s Gate 1 or 2. I am brand new to Dungeons & Dragons. I love it. I’ve been playing since. After 154 hours on my first playthrough, I am now on my second playthrough. The last time I played a game that I’ve loved this much was Elder Scrolls III, Morrowind. I put over 300 hours into the game. Then Elder Scrolls V, Skyrim was the next love at over 300 hours as well. But this game is something new, something different.

Unlike my favorite series, Mass Effect, Baldur’s Gate 3 choices change the environment. In Mass Effect 1, 2 or 3, the choices matter but they don’t change the ending by much. In Baldur’s Gate 3, the endings are completely different. Make a choice in Act 1 and have a different outcome in Act 3 or find something new that despite roaming around for hours, I some how managed to miss.

This is what I love about playing videogames, the story, the adventure, the discovery. Falling in love with a new world. Finding new companions who you can love or hate. Play the character from your own point of view and perspective or make choices you would never do in real life. That’s the beauty of play videogames. You get to do weird, extraordinary things.

I’ve played videogames since high school. And the number of games I’ve played has grown steadily. What I love about looking back at my history of playing is that there are so many character stories that I recall. So many that I can play a new game and I am reminded of a previous game. In Baldur’s Gate 3 there is a character with a vaguely similar story arc to a character from Dragon Age 2. That was fun and surprising but the Baldur’s Gate 3 character was different and had different outcomes.

I love this game. I’ll be playing it for months to come. I am hoping for a DLC for more content. Which is a surprise as I was waiting for a videogame called Star Field. That’s on the back burner now. I have no intention of playing any other game, for the time being. If you are looking for a videogame, I recommend Baldur’s Gate 3. You don’t have to be versed in D&D. Just want to have an immersive experience in a sandbox world.

Then suddenly, the past smacks right into the present.

By
September 29, 2023
Musing

In 2015, I learned to play the guitar. Over time, I had to develop calluses in the finger pads of my left hand. No easy feat, let me tell you. It was painful and grueling. I had to learn which string to hold as I picked with my right hand. I had to learn transitions and go over scales again, and again. Slowly, I got the movements down and muscle memory developed. Soon I was able to play simple songs then eventually, Wicked Games by Chris Isaak.

I realized today I haven’t picked up my guitar since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly three years. Maybe four. I forgot how much I enjoyed playing. I was looking at my guitar in its case resting against the wall. I need to start playing again. Not so much because I stopped, more for me. For my enjoyment, for my development.

One thing is for sure. I no longer have calluses on the finger pads of my left hand. This is going to be painful. It’s a lesson in consistency. Keep playing.

Despite everything, you have to keep playing regardless of a global pandemic or pain in my fingertips. One thing is true. If I kept playing, I wouldn’t be worrying about potential pain. Maybe I would be able to play something more than Wicked Games.

Grief & Loss

By
August 29, 2023
Musing

I was thinking about a quote from Doctor Who today, “Immortality isn’t living forever. That’s not what it feels like. Immortality is everybody else dying.” I grew up in a large family. Lots of grandmas and grandpas, aunts, and uncles with loads of cousins. Over the course of my life, I have lost many family members. I wonder if the day will come where I will be the only one left. That is the reality of coming from a large family. It’s an eventuality. When I was younger, I knew, intellectually, that losing family was going to happen. Over the course of my life as more and more people passed on, it became reality. It wasn’t a reality I was prepared for.

Then again, how do you prepare for that eventuality? You really can’t. You don’t know how the loss will affect you. It happens to quickly and you’re left blind-sided. Sometimes, you do see it coming but even then, it’s not what you expected. I am not sure which is worse, sudden, or eventual.

What grief and loss has taught me is that the grief doesn’t go away. It’s not like one day you wake up and you forget. The loss isn’t there anymore. That’s now how life goes. One day you wake up and the loss doesn’t feel so achy. The absence is still there. That absence is what is prevalent. They’re gone and there is nothing you can do about it. Things happen and they’re not there. You find yourself wanting to talk to them, wanting to share a moment but they’re gone. They miss so much.

After a while you come to a place where you keep them alive in your thoughts. In this way, they’re never far but they’re never here. That’s the conundrum.

Just enough computer knowledge to help or hinder.       

By
August 7, 2023
Musing

The red, green, blue (RGB) random access memory (RAM) lighting in my personal computer was showing the default color scheme. Lovely but not in sync with the color scheme of the other RGB components which is that of the night sky. This is important for my computer lights up like Las Vegas! Without the Elvis impersonator.

I’ve been looking into fixes to resolve this issue. Most fixes focused-on elements within a particular process which appeared to be absent from my computer. Other fixes required changes to the Basic Input/Output System (BIOS). Now one thing I do not ever try is to access and make changes to the BIOS of my computer. The simplest fix was to install the software for my specific RAM. This is the route I took. Voila! Fixed. Kind of.

The software won’t sync with my mother board, so I must manually set the color scheme. What a bother. It’s not cycling through the colors or doing any kind of dynamic color shifting.

So, I have the correct color scheme but no dynamic color shifting! This is acceptable but not what I want.

As I have been working to resolve this issue, I realize I know enough about my computer to complete minor fixes but not enough to really address the situation to obtain the resolution I want. What I could probably do is create a huge problem and have no RGB.

I can accept the static color scheme. At least for now. What I would like to see is the computer parts manufacturers to create RGB that works across the board! I also want world peace, but it looks like I am not getting it either.

But my computer is lovely with its blue, green, and purple color scheme. It’s the night sky, only flashier.

August

By
August 3, 2023
Musing

Taylor Swift sings, “But I can see us lost in the memory, August slipped away into a moment in time, ‘Cause it was never mine…”

Nine years ago, August 2014, my husband and I hiked the southern rim of the Grand Canyon. That year, I lost a friend. I lost an uncle. I feel like I lost my childhood naivety. I look back on that year and see the impact in the paths I’ve taken.

August 28, 2017, I began the doctoral program in Social Work at the University of Pennsylvania. I walked into orientation thinking, “They have no idea who they admitted.” There I was stepping into an Ivy League institution with no feeling of belonging, or connection. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing or making a huge mistake. Little did I know, it was the best decision I ever made.

August 29, 2019, I bought a ticket to see Rhett & Link, Live. I was going to New Orleans, Louisiana and they were playing at the Saenger Theater. Then six months later, the COVID-19 pandemic began. Rhett & Link got me through quarantine. Even now, I watch Good Mythical Morning during breakfast. I didn’t realize until now how much I appreciate their content on YouTube or the community they have built.

From starting and finishing my doctorate as a promise to my uncle. To seeing Glacier National Park, a promise to my aunt. Now pursing a master’s in public health encouragement by my father from years past. Everything seems to originate in the month of August.