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Musing

August, it happens every year.

By
August 3, 2024
Musing

A year ago I made a post about significant events that have happened in my life in the month of August.

My father passed away on August 27, 2023.

I am bereft. I have been in mourning. Grief is the old friend waiting by the door.

My father gave me three things that I’ve held close all my life.

The first, he gave me my name. I am an End of Horn. His name is on my birth certificate. He told me about our family and the pride he held in being a descendant of Gall.

I have upheld our name to the best of my ability. Our name is in the alumni rolls of the University of North Dakota, mine next to his, for a bachelor’s and a master’s degree. He was so proud that I attended his alma mater.

I went on to obtain a doctorate. Our name is in the alumni rolls of the University of Pennsylvania, an Ivy League institution that has stood for 283 years.

I am now pursuing another master’s degree at John Hopkins University. He loved John Hopkins. I never fully understood why. His only response was because John Hopkins knows healthcare. Maybe that was enough. Our name will live on their alumni rolls.

I have published papers. I have presented at conferences. I am an expert in my field of study. Our name is known and will live on. That’s the legacy I have given to my father.

The second, he gave me direction. My father was a typical dad. He was not part of my childhood; he did not raise me. He once told me that he knew I had good grandparents. He knew I was raised well. He never felt the need to intrude or be involved. He spoke highly of my grandparents. He respected them. As such, he left me alone because he knew I would be cared for better than what he could provide. I respected and appreciated that. I know what he did in his life. I know of his past struggles. He would’ve stepped in if he had too, and my life would’ve been much different had that occurred.

When I graduated high school, I was top of my class and won numerous scholarships, but I was also being recruited by the military as I had high testing scores. I was being offered large sign on bonuses. When I told him, he said to me, “I served so you don’t have to.” He served in the Army. He was very proud of his service. He was a combat Veteran and had shrapnel embedded.

Not once had he interfered in my childhood or told my family how to raise me. This direction was the only direction he ever gave me. So, I listened. I accepted my scholarships, and I went to school and obtained an education.

Years later, while I was in graduate school, we discussed his lack of involvement in my childhood and life. It hurt knowing he was not involved but looking back, I am grateful he knew that my mom’s family was good to me. We spoke a lot about my half-siblings and how he viewed raising children.

Lastly, he gave me his truth. He was never a dad to me. He knew it, I knew it. He acknowledged he was my father; he acknowledged his own short comings. Our relationship was never that of parent and child, father-daughter, but more like distant relatives who saw each other every so often. More often our telephone conversations felt like old friends catching up rather than a parent speaking to their child, or daughter speaking to her dad.

I knew my father as much as he allowed me. I respected him. I uphold what he has given me, my life. All that he was is gone but a part of him lives on in me. I am his daughter; I look like him. I’ve been told many, many times I act like him. That includes stubbornness, frankness and an affinity for a little paranoia now and then.

He gave me what he could, and I am grateful. Wherever he is in his journey to the spirit world. I would want him to know, I am okay. I knew of him and his life, but I never knew him. Now, I never will and that’s okay. He taught me the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn. Blood isn’t family. Family are the people who nurtured you, taught you, stood by you, believed in you.

I may not have had him as my dad, but I did have uncles who did what he couldn’t. As I mourn the passing of my father, I find myself thinking of my uncles, my mother’s brothers and cousins. They acted as my father figures and words cannot express how much I miss them.

I have your name and your eyes. I see you when I look in the mirror. I am my father’s daughter. Thank you, dad. I have a good family. May you continue to rest peacefully.

I bought a new sketch book.

By
May 15, 2024
Art, Musing

It’s been over a decade since I last sketched. I loved to draw. I loved to write. I used to do both extensively. Then heartbreak and loss stopped every thing. I stopped everything.

Then I started playing Baldur’s Gate 3.

The need, the want to write, to draw, to make something, to create, began again.

I am a lot older. Not sure about the wiser part. Yet, it’s still part of me. The creative spark is still brilliant as ever. My skills have waned but I can bring them back. It’ll take time, practice but most of all, inspiration.

I realize now creatively, at least for me, is based in love. Love for life. Love for beauty and tragedy. Ten years is a long time to misplace that spark. I am glad I found it again. I don’t think it ever left, I let it go. Hurtful words tend to do that.

The different between then and now is that I love something. I love it with everything in me. These last 8 months have been wonderful for feeling again, for loving again. I feel like I finally came back to myself.

So, I bought a new sketch book. Time to doodle again. Time to write again. Time to love and create. I guess it makes sense to create is to love. It’s based in love. It’s necessary and vital. I just forgot.

Thoughts on music

By
February 28, 2024
Musing

There are so many songs that remind me of a time, a place and a person. Josh Groban’s song, “Awake” reminds me of my husband and the summer of 1992. Music has been a stream of my consciousness since I could remember. When I was a little girl, the song “Amarillo by morning” by Georg Strait was the saddest song I ever heard. If I want to remember a something, I look for a song. I look for the feelings it inspired and that leads to memories. Sometimes I can’t remember a face or a time then I would hear a song and everything comes flooding back.

I love music for that reason. It was late in life I learned to play the guitar. I want to pick it back up because there is something vital, life giving and life altering, that creating music inspires. Sometimes it was the only way I could find a way to express those convoluted thoughts, feelings and memories. I like to think of music as that thread between me and others. Sometimes words fall flat when trying to express what I am feeling but a song can express it perfectly. Music courses through everything. Even in the day to day world music can be found. Be it in a hum, a whistle or just softly sung notes.

“Meet me in Montana” by Dan Seals and Marie Osmond, that’s another song. It reminds me of my uncle. He loved Montana. Thinking of him makes me realize how often he spoke of Montana and how much it was a part of his life and everything he loved. Despite the fact he lived there only briefly. I remember thinking Montana was this mystical and magical place all because it was wrapped up in a song. Montana was the place to be, at least, according to my uncle. He’s gone now but “Meet me in Montana” remains and in so many ways so does he.

That’s the power of music.

The last day of 2023…

By
December 31, 2023
Musing

This year has been an interesting year. I lost my father at the end of August. Losing a parent is an intellectual exercise until it isn’t. For some, the loss is expected. For me, I wasn’t prepared. It was an unexpected loss. The most difficult part about the loss wasn’t going through the grief and mourning. It was finding an answer to the question, “How are you?”

How do you explain that feeling of profound loss? How do I explain the loss of my origin? The only explanation I could give was, my origin, where I came from, was gone. I felt rudderless. I felt lost in the ether. Untethered. My parents gave me a sense of origin. I could look at them then myself and say, “That’s where I come from. That’s my nose, my eyes, my smile.” I could see the features of my face in my father. That’s where I came from. I’ve been told countless times how I look like my father. Now he’s gone. What does that mean to me? I am still figuring that out.

This year was also the year I came home to Colorado. I cannot express in words my love for Colorado. This is it, this is home. I’ve searched for a long time to find the place where I felt like I never want to leave. I used to be jealous of those who knew where their home was. I searched far and for so long. I grew up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. That’s the home of my childhood. But my home. The home of my life, and the days to come. That was an unknown for so long. I used to hate Denver, Colorado. It reminded me of my uncle who passed 20 years ago. Now, those memories no longer hurt. Perspective gained through life experience and time helped me to see past the hurt of the loss of my uncle to what I love about Colorado.

There’s a song, “Coming Home (Oregon)” by Mat Kearney that expresses how I feel about coming home to Colorado. Especially the lyric, “I’m coming home to the place that I remember, back to the land of my first love…” That’s my theme for home. It’s all about love. It’s but one of a few songs expressing how I feel about Colorado. I love Colorado. This is home. I will leave it, periodically, but I will always come home. During my homecoming, I will listen to my playlist about Colorado and be thankful that I am finally home.

In these last few hours remaining of 2023, I am reminded of so many wonderful experiences this year encompasses. Far too many to write out but I can say this, I never expected to grow old. The gift of trauma, you see. A sense of foreshortened future, that’s what it’s called. But I’ve lived far longer than I expected. Maybe I make it to my 50’s, even 60’s. Heck, maybe even 70’s. That’ll be something. For right now, I am happy to be where I am. I am home. I still don’t have things figured out but who does?

Happy New Year! See you in 2024.

Let’s talk about Baldur’s Gate 3

By
October 28, 2023
Musing

On August 8, 2023, I began playing Baldur’s Gate 3. Now, I’ve never played Baldur’s Gate 1 or 2. I am brand new to Dungeons & Dragons. I love it. I’ve been playing since. After 154 hours on my first playthrough, I am now on my second playthrough. The last time I played a game that I’ve loved this much was Elder Scrolls III, Morrowind. I put over 300 hours into the game. Then Elder Scrolls V, Skyrim was the next love at over 300 hours as well. But this game is something new, something different.

Unlike my favorite series, Mass Effect, Baldur’s Gate 3 choices change the environment. In Mass Effect 1, 2 or 3, the choices matter but they don’t change the ending by much. In Baldur’s Gate 3, the endings are completely different. Make a choice in Act 1 and have a different outcome in Act 3 or find something new that despite roaming around for hours, I some how managed to miss.

This is what I love about playing videogames, the story, the adventure, the discovery. Falling in love with a new world. Finding new companions who you can love or hate. Play the character from your own point of view and perspective or make choices you would never do in real life. That’s the beauty of play videogames. You get to do weird, extraordinary things.

I’ve played videogames since high school. And the number of games I’ve played has grown steadily. What I love about looking back at my history of playing is that there are so many character stories that I recall. So many that I can play a new game and I am reminded of a previous game. In Baldur’s Gate 3 there is a character with a vaguely similar story arc to a character from Dragon Age 2. That was fun and surprising but the Baldur’s Gate 3 character was different and had different outcomes.

I love this game. I’ll be playing it for months to come. I am hoping for a DLC for more content. Which is a surprise as I was waiting for a videogame called Star Field. That’s on the back burner now. I have no intention of playing any other game, for the time being. If you are looking for a videogame, I recommend Baldur’s Gate 3. You don’t have to be versed in D&D. Just want to have an immersive experience in a sandbox world.

Then suddenly, the past smacks right into the present.

By
September 29, 2023
Musing

In 2015, I learned to play the guitar. Over time, I had to develop calluses in the finger pads of my left hand. No easy feat, let me tell you. It was painful and grueling. I had to learn which string to hold as I picked with my right hand. I had to learn transitions and go over scales again, and again. Slowly, I got the movements down and muscle memory developed. Soon I was able to play simple songs then eventually, Wicked Games by Chris Isaak.

I realized today I haven’t picked up my guitar since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly three years. Maybe four. I forgot how much I enjoyed playing. I was looking at my guitar in its case resting against the wall. I need to start playing again. Not so much because I stopped, more for me. For my enjoyment, for my development.

One thing is for sure. I no longer have calluses on the finger pads of my left hand. This is going to be painful. It’s a lesson in consistency. Keep playing.

Despite everything, you have to keep playing regardless of a global pandemic or pain in my fingertips. One thing is true. If I kept playing, I wouldn’t be worrying about potential pain. Maybe I would be able to play something more than Wicked Games.

Grief & Loss

By
August 29, 2023
Musing

I was thinking about a quote from Doctor Who today, “Immortality isn’t living forever. That’s not what it feels like. Immortality is everybody else dying.” I grew up in a large family. Lots of grandmas and grandpas, aunts, and uncles with loads of cousins. Over the course of my life, I have lost many family members. I wonder if the day will come where I will be the only one left. That is the reality of coming from a large family. It’s an eventuality. When I was younger, I knew, intellectually, that losing family was going to happen. Over the course of my life as more and more people passed on, it became reality. It wasn’t a reality I was prepared for.

Then again, how do you prepare for that eventuality? You really can’t. You don’t know how the loss will affect you. It happens to quickly and you’re left blind-sided. Sometimes, you do see it coming but even then, it’s not what you expected. I am not sure which is worse, sudden, or eventual.

What grief and loss has taught me is that the grief doesn’t go away. It’s not like one day you wake up and you forget. The loss isn’t there anymore. That’s now how life goes. One day you wake up and the loss doesn’t feel so achy. The absence is still there. That absence is what is prevalent. They’re gone and there is nothing you can do about it. Things happen and they’re not there. You find yourself wanting to talk to them, wanting to share a moment but they’re gone. They miss so much.

After a while you come to a place where you keep them alive in your thoughts. In this way, they’re never far but they’re never here. That’s the conundrum.

Just enough computer knowledge to help or hinder.       

By
August 7, 2023
Musing

The red, green, blue (RGB) random access memory (RAM) lighting in my personal computer was showing the default color scheme. Lovely but not in sync with the color scheme of the other RGB components which is that of the night sky. This is important for my computer lights up like Las Vegas! Without the Elvis impersonator.

I’ve been looking into fixes to resolve this issue. Most fixes focused-on elements within a particular process which appeared to be absent from my computer. Other fixes required changes to the Basic Input/Output System (BIOS). Now one thing I do not ever try is to access and make changes to the BIOS of my computer. The simplest fix was to install the software for my specific RAM. This is the route I took. Voila! Fixed. Kind of.

The software won’t sync with my mother board, so I must manually set the color scheme. What a bother. It’s not cycling through the colors or doing any kind of dynamic color shifting.

So, I have the correct color scheme but no dynamic color shifting! This is acceptable but not what I want.

As I have been working to resolve this issue, I realize I know enough about my computer to complete minor fixes but not enough to really address the situation to obtain the resolution I want. What I could probably do is create a huge problem and have no RGB.

I can accept the static color scheme. At least for now. What I would like to see is the computer parts manufacturers to create RGB that works across the board! I also want world peace, but it looks like I am not getting it either.

But my computer is lovely with its blue, green, and purple color scheme. It’s the night sky, only flashier.